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  • Writer's pictureMALKA Ministries

What would you rather have?

Updated: Jun 27, 2020

What did you expect when you decided to be a believer?


I don't know exactly when I officially became a Christian. So if I got asked, I really can't give a date.


I first saw Jesus in my spirit when I was five years old and my teacher (I was in a Catholic kindergarten) told me before that Jesus is God. So when I saw Him, I sort of believed in Him. I continued to be in the same school for my elementary years and I remember loving God so much that I wanted to be a Catholic when I was ten - I just wanted to serve Him! So I told my mom, and she replied sternly, "No!" Same reply to my ask of water baptism, even up to my high school senior year. I finally got my water baptism as a Catholic when I was 20 years old.


I then was brought into a charismatic, pentecost church when I was 23 by my brother (I truly believe it's a divine encounter) and there I was asked to pray the sinners' prayer for the first time and I had a full-immersion water baptism a year later.


But I would say that I first encountered Him in His word when I was 23. And I remember giving my full commitment afterward that I would follow Him fully, to which Jesus replied, "It will be an adventure!"


Sitting here right now, writing this, I can definitely say, yes definitely has been an interesting adventure! I didn't know what to expect when I said that, nor had I any idea things would turn out the way they did. I knew though that I wanted to do great things for Jesus, to do what the disciples in the early church did, in the book of Acts.


I don't know about you, but my journey hasn't been all rosy, in fact perhaps the opposite. But He has been with me all along. That I know for sure. And while I didn't feel He had things under control, He did and He still does. and this year, on my 37th birthday, my encounter of Abba has taken a whole different level. Why do I have to wait that long? I'm not sure. But I know I am not the only one. Abraham had to wait 25 years for Isaac. David, 20 years before he became king over all Israel. Joseph, possible 20 years too, before he became the second ruler in Egypt after Pharaoh.


Answers with character


Ps. Bill Johnson spoke about enduring faith. Faith brings answer for our prayer, but enduring faith brings answer with character. And this character is required to sustain whatever God has put/ built in our lives so far.


To produce this enduring faith, God will test everything we have and everything we believe inside our heart about Him. Every word, every promise, every prophecy, every motivation, every desire, every commitment.


Until the time that his (Joseph's) word came: the word of the LORD tried him. (Psalm 105:19)


It is easy to rejoice and give thanks when everything is rosy in our lives, isn't it? It is easy to start anything - a business, a venture, a ministry, but running it and running it well, amid challenges, is a totally different thing. It is easy to give up but it takes everything to remain faithful in what He has asked us to do.


But let's say we do well in being faithful in what He has asked us to do, is our focus God Himself or the things He asked us to do?


"Isn't it the same thing?" you ask.


No, it's not.


"The life is in the voice, not in the instruction."


That is one quote from Ps. Bill that has stayed with me. What he means is when we follow God, we need to recognise His voice and move when He moves. Often we get stuck in the old thing, because we can't let go what God has no longer asked us to do. Because we don't recognise His voice. We don't know Him.


That's what happened to Moses and the children of Israel:


He made known His ways unto Moses, His acts unto the children of Israel. (Psalm 103:7)


His ways speak about who He is: His heart, His mind, His desire, what He loves, what motivates Him, while His acts speak about the things He does: all the miracles, all the signs & wonders, the blessings.


God's plan for Israel in the beginning was an intimate relationship. In Exodus 19:6, He desired for them to be a kingdom of priests, all of them, not just a tribe (Levi). But Israel rejected that invitation and asked Moses to be the intermediary. The children of Israel wanted God's miracles, but Moses wanted God.


As I asked Abba what He wanted to reveal, He reminded me of an experience I had just before the Pentecost, which was on Sunday 31 May.


About eleven days before Pentecost, my friend asked if I would do a ten-day fast to prepare for Pentecost. I wasn't led to do that so I replied no, but I would just do my usual one day a week fast. Days later we had a group call and in the closing prayer, she prayed for another friend for the baptism of the Holy Spirit to fall upon her just like in the book of Acts. From there, I began to ask if I should. Just to make sure I am not deafening my ears to what He might be asking from me.


About five days before the Pentecost, I really brought it to Abba in my morning walk with Abba. And somehow I know even if I didn't get the baptism of fire (He has His timing), I would receive a breakthrough in my health. But the thing is that it would be the last week we had as a family to have weekdays breakfast together, which we have enjoyed because of the lockdown measure.


I struggled. On one hand, if I fasted, I might get the baptism and the healing breakthrough. The two things I have been praying and asking for. But on the other hand, there was our family time at breakfast, which is actually more about the expression of love than the eating itself. Maybe it doesn't mean much for you, but as a working professional, I truly value time where I am with my family and not working.


I was torn. I didn't want to disobey Abba if He wanted me to fast, even at the cost of doing that above choosing my family. And then I heard the Spirit say, "Against love, there is no law."


I chose not to fast. Fully prepared that it might mean I wouldn't get the two things I had been praying for so long. But I chose love. I chose love because He has told me to become love. And He has been teaching me from 1 Corinthians 13. Love is the greatest. I told Him, "What's the point I have Your power and I can do all great miracles, and be the next Kathryn Kuhlman but in attaining that I missed the most important thing? That I missed You, Abba? I rather have no power or spiritual gift if I have to choose between that and love."


What happened next was unbelievable.


Abba told me, "You have chosen well. You didn't choose power to do miracles nor did you choose healing breakthrough for yourself. But you chose love. Because you have done this, you will get the power and the healing breakthrough as well."


And days later, the Spirit told me, "It is okay for you to earnestly desire spiritual gift and yes you will receive the baptism of fire. Wait in Jerusalem (city of peace)."


Why am I sharing this with you?


Because often in walking with Abba, we have put more importance in chasing after His power and His blessings, instead of chasing after His heart. Abba will not withhold both of those things if we ask, just as He promised through Jesus, and just like the story of the prodigal son. But as for me, I just can't break His heart in doing so. I'd rather have Him and His heart if I have to choose between that and His power. A thousand times and more.


May this be your desire too.

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